A new life

So at the beginning of next month, my father is going to Vietnam to find himself a new wife. One the one hand, I'm glad that he's moving on. If he gets re-married, it means that he'll no longer stalk my mother... hopefully.

There are many cruel thoughts in my mind. I feel sorry for whichever woman chooses to marry my father. He's old, negative, petty.. at the same time, he's my father. His attempts to start a new life indicates that he's given up on his old one. Instead of trying to fix the problems with his children and my mother, he's chosen to start fresh. I'm hurt that he's turned his back to me. It's a surprising emotion because I thought that I was beyond his reach, but I guess he's still my father and that still means something to me. I had hoped that he and I could have reconciled, but I guess this isn't going to happen.

He turned his back to me and I've turned my back to him. I'm not willing to forget the hurtful things he's said and done in the past because he has expressed no remorse for those actions. Even to this day, he continues to say terrible things. My sister helps him a lot. She does his taxes, performs any paper work that he needs, and is his link into the English speaking world. He got upset a while back and declared that he had no children and no grandchildren. It was a terrible slap in the face. They didn't speak for a short time... but when my mother fell ill, my sister contacted him. He said to her, "Why haven't you come to visit me?" It's as if he has no memory of the terrible things he says.

So there was no point for me to remain in contact with my father. He hasn't changed, won't accept responsibility for the hurt that he's done. I can forgive him, but I'm not going to let him continue to hurt me, so I don't actively seek communication with him. However, there's a part of me that wishes that he would express some remorse or that he would change the way he does things.. just a little.. just enough to give me some hope that he's capable of change, that reconciliation is possible. It's difficult for anything like this to happen when I don't see him. And now, it won't be possible at all because he will have moved on.. to a new life, at 68.

He'll be gone a month. There's no one expecting him. I don't know if he has any plans for accommodations. He's no longer a young man and he has a barrage of health problems. I hope that he'll be okay adjusting to a tropical environment. I hope that he thought ahead a little and made arrangements for shelter, made back up arrangements in case he's mugged.. things like that. My mother had done all of that for him in the past; my sister has been this for him of late; he's never had to take care of himself. I hope that he'll be okay. Either way, this trip will change him. I wonder if he'll return at all. He'll be in a country where he knows the language and the customs. In the thirty years that he was in Canada, he never adjusted to the way of life here. He always seemed out of his element. I wonder if this would be the case in his "home" country.

A part of me wishes him well. Another part of me is sad to say goodbye to my father.

Autumn

I love the colours of autumn. Today was a beautiful day to enjoy them. We went to the nearby park to get photos. I would have preferred to do a photo shoot at the local pumpkin patch, but I changed my mind in the parking lot of the pumpkin patch. There were 7 long school buses and the parking lot was completely full. I saw moms, carrying multiple bags with pumpkins inside while their older children walked beside them. I could not imagine M staying by me, so I envisioned myself walking with a big diaper bag on one shoulder, a pumpkin on the other side, a baby strapped to my chest, chasing a toddler while he (in an attempt to thwart my efforts to control him) sits down in a big muddy puddle. I also saw that both myself and M failed to bring the appropriate rubber boots. A tired mother yelling at her child because he would not change out of his muddy clothes convinced me that a pumpkin patch is not a place to go without re-enforcements and without adequate footwear.

As it turned out, an extra pair of hands were needed for a proper photo shoot. We got some great photos. The one above was taken with my iPhone. It attest to what a gorgeous day it had been, when even an iPhone can a great photo.